I’m going to switch gears here for this rant as I am quite tired of ranting about the bathroom and my folks are starting to question their parenting skills as I seem to have some sort of unhealthy obsession with the lou. So, I’m driving to work this morning in downtown Denver traffic, which by the way is pretty annoying and a rant in itself, and I happen to notice the driver next to me in the act of picking her nose. I laughed a little internally as I usually do when I am fortunate enough to catch someone in the act of mining for gold in their vehicle, but this triggered a thought that eventually snowballed into this rant. Why do people feel so comfortable in their cars? If you are a passenger with someone else driving you are much more capable of observing all of the interesting behaviors in which people partake in their vehicular sanctuaries. These behaviors include but are not limited to: reading the newspaper on their steering wheel, brushing their hair and or putting on makeup, singing at the top of their lungs and making similar facial features that Bon Jovi probably would be making if he were singing, and of course picking their nose. The last in this list is probably the most shocking because it is something that is considered taboo by American standards. Common social law states that if you must engage in the removal of the accumulation of hardened mucus in the nostrils via your finger, you must do it in a private area where you are sure to not be found out by anyone, usually the bathroom. Why then do people feel comfortable enough to pick their noses in their car? I mean if you really think about it that car is one of the most visible and vulnerable places you spend your time. You are surrounded by glass and literally only feet away from a complete stranger in the car next to you. Yet somehow we feel as if no one is looking at us or that we are in some kind of privacy bubble impenetrable by anyone outside. This brings me to yet another mini rant.
Why do some people have such pride in their crappy cars? This may sound a bit hypocritical to those of you who know me and the fact that I do enjoy my 1968 mustang. But, in my defense, I only take pride in the fact that my dad and I built that car ourselves over a period of four years and it is something I can say I built with my two hands. When someone goes out and gets a two door Saturn, changes the air freshener, tilts their seat back to where they can barely see over the steering wheel, put on their foakley sunglasses and the latest one hit wonder rap artist, and then proceeds to accelerate into a line of cars stopped at a red light to show off their aggressive driving techniques, I tend to want to backhand that individual.
Anyway, back to the rant at hand. Why do we feel so comfortable in our cars? I mean if you think about it, we are traveling at an incredible speed, compared to what humans were meant to travel at, in what amounts to be a metal box! If anything, we should be quite uncomfortable in the fact that over 42,000 people died in 2003. Thank you Wikipedia. But, we somehow manage to forgo the fact that we are actually controlling a gasoline powered machine just long enough to dig and get that booger out of our nose all while innocent bystanders must be subjected to this display. And if that weren't enough, you then wipe it on your shirt, or do the awkward flick that usually takes a couple of good tries to dislodge it from your finger nail. As if once it has left our finger and we no longer have control of it, the booger will disintegrate and disappear into some magical booger nebulous and not just be stuck to the seat next to us or ground into the carpet. It’s not like we all haven’t been there, I myself have had to stop the same type of behavior with a cut fingernail or stray hair. Why do I think that the carpet is somehow a cure all for anything unwanted? If that logic stood true I should not be wasting it on fingernails, boogers, or loose hair follicles. Rather, I should be discarding soured milk, used candy wrappers, and possibly the occasional unwanted house guest. But of course that seems preposterous, but for some reason the dislodged booger gets a pass. This fact, even though I have experienced it for myself, still makes no sense to me. Perhaps there is some sort of nerve or button in each of out nasal cavities that momentarily disrupts all brain function and revert us back to a primeval state where such archaic behavior was acceptable. It is kind of hard to look smart with a finger up your nose, perhaps this is why. Well I am now trying to retrace my thought pattern back and connect the dots as to how I have arrived here today. I thinkthat this is all the energy I have today for this rant so I will leave on this note. People please, if you’re going to pick your nose in your car in the middle of rush hour traffic, be aware that you are being watched and don’t be surprised or insulted if someone you work with decides to not shake your hand later that day. That is all.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Random Rant #2-C
Crack in partition: So, I have a little extra time now that I’ve finished my work for the day and think I should go ahead and talk about the crack in the partition. This is the crack that is between the door of the bathroom stall and the wall of the stall (Fig. 1). These bathroom stalls aren’t exactly the most secure structures ever designed and I guess as far as any job a civil engineer could land, I’m guessing that bathroom stall isn’t at the top of the list. Never-the-less, I do believe that the seals between the door and the rest of the structure could be a little tighter if only the problems that arise because of their existence was only brought to the attention of those designing and installing them. I guess those responsible have never actually used their own product as the issue is clearly evident the first time you are forced to sit on the cold unforgiving porcelain throne with all that you hold dear and private completely exposed to the elements with nothing but a poorly constructed bathroom barrier to protect you from the prying eyes of your office peers. Now, addressing the issue of being on the other side of the barrier, there seems to be some perverse and illogical draw to peering through the crack in these barriers. The crack acts like a tractor beam drawing your secretive gazes directly to it even though everything in your being is telling you that there is nothing good that could possibly come from achieving the goal of peering inside. Just the mere fact that there is a chink in the armor of a barrier whose very existence is meant to keep you out compels that you must exploit its weakness. And I, along with those who are not afraid to be truthful with ones self would probably admit feeling the enchanting lure of the crack gaze. That being said, if you happen to find yourself in the precarious position of having a viewing window to your pale fleshed parts not even the sun has seen, there are a few preventative measures you can take. This brings me to a curious event that presented itself to me while I was attending classes at Vanderbilt University.
On the third floor of one of the older classroom buildings in which I was taking some sort of Economics course, there was a single small bathroom. It had been remodeled with the rest of the building recently and had all new bathroom fixtures not excluding the standard crack in the barrier. But, this bathroom stall crack was unusually intrusive even by my standards and experience of noticing hundreds of cracks and their propensity to expose those concealed within. Because this building was older due to the fact that people were much smaller around the turn of the twentieth century, the bathroom was very compact and really didn’t have enough room to fit both a full sized sit down toilet as well as a urinal. Unscathed by bathroom etiquette and real world functionality of course, some engineer, possibly the same one who designed these less than concealing barriers to begin with, was able to squeeze the urinal next to the toilet barrier with merely millimeters to spare. Some women may need to stretch their imagination in this next exercise as most have assumedly never used a urinal but please visualize with me if you will. You’re standing at the urinal doing your business and you happen to turn your head ever so slightly to the left only to discover you have a direct shot through the barrier’s built in wiener viewing window straight to some college kid or professors higher learned junk. Great job engineer, you’ve essentially designed an apparatus for collecting pure human tears and cranking out a constant flow of ideal candidates for psycho analysis and shock therapy. Anyway, I did frequent this bathroom and used the urinal, but never the sit down stool as it is much better to realize that there is someone less endowed than yourself in the building than to allow it to be discovered that you are in fact the one who looks as if he has been swimming in the Arctic Circle all morning. In visiting this tiny bathroom I happened to notice something quite peculiar. Every time I looked to peer into the toilet stall, there was a length of toilet paper hanging from the top of this crack running the full length of the stall effectively creating an artificial barrier within the barrier to prevent anyone from taking advantage of the wiener window. At first this did not register with my brain as I was probably in much too deep a thought about economic problems throughout the world and couldn’t be bothered with such trivial a detail. More likely, I was probably in the mind numbing state that I put myself into in order to be able to physically endure most of the lectures I was forced to attend without expiring. Either that or chicks. Being the kinesthetic learner that I am, I felt the need to pull down this artificial barrier to the barrier every time I encountered it, which was every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. To my surprise and delight, the TP barrier would always be in place again the following bathroom visit. After awhile I became curious as to why this was occurring. I first looked for some sort of natural cause like possibly the air conditioner was blowing a section of toilet paper into the crack due to some sort of pressure variance within the stall itself. This idea was quickly defeated as common logic will deduce that such a vortex would clearly cause the free flow of other materials within the barrier walls, in particular fecal particulate matter. This of course is preposterous. (I’ve never actually written the word preposterous and felt that if there were ever a time, this is it.) Next, I reasoned that some sort of human interference must have occurred for the barrier to be placed perfectly in place time and time again. But then the question became why? Why would someone so superstitiously place this strip of paper in the exact location despite its inevitable removal by my hand day in and day out? It then occurred to me the exact scenario that must be taking place that I had not only discovered but was an unknowing participant in. Because the class was early in the morning and the placement of the TP was so consistent, the culprit must be a professor who worked in the building. I doubted that there was such a dedicated student who would show up that early to every class. Therefore, I in fact, was disrupting the pooping schedule of one of the intellectuals in the building. There was something about exposing such a basic and ordinary bodily function that everyone young, old, rich, poor, highly regarded professor or lowly college student, I found quite comical. It became somewhat of a game to me and I was sure to never miss a morning bathroom visit in order to remove this barrier with no more intent than to cause an unknown scholar a few more seconds of discomfort in his morning bowel regime. This scenario continued for the duration of the semester with me arriving to the bathroom and removing the TP barrier only to find it replaced the following trip. I will never know who that masked man was, but I can only hope he received even a fraction of the satisfaction I felt playing my part in that delicate dance. Back to the point of our rant, toilet paper can be used as an obstruction in order to plug the partition crack.
On the third floor of one of the older classroom buildings in which I was taking some sort of Economics course, there was a single small bathroom. It had been remodeled with the rest of the building recently and had all new bathroom fixtures not excluding the standard crack in the barrier. But, this bathroom stall crack was unusually intrusive even by my standards and experience of noticing hundreds of cracks and their propensity to expose those concealed within. Because this building was older due to the fact that people were much smaller around the turn of the twentieth century, the bathroom was very compact and really didn’t have enough room to fit both a full sized sit down toilet as well as a urinal. Unscathed by bathroom etiquette and real world functionality of course, some engineer, possibly the same one who designed these less than concealing barriers to begin with, was able to squeeze the urinal next to the toilet barrier with merely millimeters to spare. Some women may need to stretch their imagination in this next exercise as most have assumedly never used a urinal but please visualize with me if you will. You’re standing at the urinal doing your business and you happen to turn your head ever so slightly to the left only to discover you have a direct shot through the barrier’s built in wiener viewing window straight to some college kid or professors higher learned junk. Great job engineer, you’ve essentially designed an apparatus for collecting pure human tears and cranking out a constant flow of ideal candidates for psycho analysis and shock therapy. Anyway, I did frequent this bathroom and used the urinal, but never the sit down stool as it is much better to realize that there is someone less endowed than yourself in the building than to allow it to be discovered that you are in fact the one who looks as if he has been swimming in the Arctic Circle all morning. In visiting this tiny bathroom I happened to notice something quite peculiar. Every time I looked to peer into the toilet stall, there was a length of toilet paper hanging from the top of this crack running the full length of the stall effectively creating an artificial barrier within the barrier to prevent anyone from taking advantage of the wiener window. At first this did not register with my brain as I was probably in much too deep a thought about economic problems throughout the world and couldn’t be bothered with such trivial a detail. More likely, I was probably in the mind numbing state that I put myself into in order to be able to physically endure most of the lectures I was forced to attend without expiring. Either that or chicks. Being the kinesthetic learner that I am, I felt the need to pull down this artificial barrier to the barrier every time I encountered it, which was every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. To my surprise and delight, the TP barrier would always be in place again the following bathroom visit. After awhile I became curious as to why this was occurring. I first looked for some sort of natural cause like possibly the air conditioner was blowing a section of toilet paper into the crack due to some sort of pressure variance within the stall itself. This idea was quickly defeated as common logic will deduce that such a vortex would clearly cause the free flow of other materials within the barrier walls, in particular fecal particulate matter. This of course is preposterous. (I’ve never actually written the word preposterous and felt that if there were ever a time, this is it.) Next, I reasoned that some sort of human interference must have occurred for the barrier to be placed perfectly in place time and time again. But then the question became why? Why would someone so superstitiously place this strip of paper in the exact location despite its inevitable removal by my hand day in and day out? It then occurred to me the exact scenario that must be taking place that I had not only discovered but was an unknowing participant in. Because the class was early in the morning and the placement of the TP was so consistent, the culprit must be a professor who worked in the building. I doubted that there was such a dedicated student who would show up that early to every class. Therefore, I in fact, was disrupting the pooping schedule of one of the intellectuals in the building. There was something about exposing such a basic and ordinary bodily function that everyone young, old, rich, poor, highly regarded professor or lowly college student, I found quite comical. It became somewhat of a game to me and I was sure to never miss a morning bathroom visit in order to remove this barrier with no more intent than to cause an unknown scholar a few more seconds of discomfort in his morning bowel regime. This scenario continued for the duration of the semester with me arriving to the bathroom and removing the TP barrier only to find it replaced the following trip. I will never know who that masked man was, but I can only hope he received even a fraction of the satisfaction I felt playing my part in that delicate dance. Back to the point of our rant, toilet paper can be used as an obstruction in order to plug the partition crack.
Random Rant #2-B
Shoe/Pant combo: I will tackle this issue next as it was aforementioned in the previous mini-rant above and have had considerable interest from those who I have deemed worthy of proofreading my rants when they are still in their construction phase. There are instances in the men’s bathroom when you will enter a bathroom “play” already in progress. There are already other co-workers playing out their roles in this odd social gathering and of course you will be expected to jump right in and play your part, by following the rules of men’s bathroom etiquette of course. So, pretend you’ve just entered one of these bathroom balls already in progress, and there are some of your fellow acting cohorts in the stalls. Now even the ladies who haven’t been fortunate enough to participate in one of these events understands how the bathroom partitions work and I can therefore forgo any detailed description of their form or function. So, as everyone knows, the proper way to identify whether or not a stall is occupied is to casually peer below the threshold of the partition and either observe or not observe an occupant’s feet. Side Rant: There’s no easy way to put this people! Grabbing the handle of the door and trying to force it open thinking that it may be stuck is not only very inconsiderate and against the bathroom code, but it is also disturbing to the occupant and can cause possible lower gastro-intestinal discomfort due to a pre-mature retraction of one’s fecal discharge. That being said, please just check before you try to barge in, it is easier on everyone and is the only sure fire way to avoid the dreaded walk in situation when one of those occupied junky stall door locks, doesn’t latch properly and the door does happen to open on an unsuspecting victim. All of us have heard horror stories about “that guy” and trust me no one wants to be an actual participant in any of those water cooler amusement stories.
Now, back to the point of this entire mini-rant, the shoe/pant combo is a covert way of identifying one of your fellow employees when they are hidden by the stall walls, also known as a “Staller”. Some may ask, why would anyone want to covertly identify someone in one of the stalls? Well those people obviously don’t enjoy the finer things in life, one of which is being the only one in the office who knows Fred is a chronic grunter, or possibly that Earl leaves the sports page unfolded and out of order in the middle of the stall when he’s finished. You never know when you may be able to leverage such information for your own personal gain. However, whenever attempting this form of identification, it is crucial to notice both the color and style of both the pants and the shoes of your Staller. Also, try to remember as much detail as possible as this will only make your job easier later on in the process. For example, is there a mustard stain on one the toe and is that stain also in the shape of Illinois. A detail such as this will almost absolutely guarantee positive identification. Although, failure to notice the pant and shoe combination and or any other relevant clues to the identification of the wearer could result in false identification and only cause a murky picture of the covert bathroom lives of your fellow co-workers. This of course is self defeating and all of your efforts will have been rendered useless. Another detail that is usually missed by the casual or novice shoe/pant observer is the size of the foot itself. This can be a crucial clue if you run into a common shoe style and pant color. An unusually large or small foot can be the difference in you determining if that was Big John who uses an unusual amount of toilet paper, or if it was Tiny Joe. So, you’ve identified an unusual Staller with some sort of behavior you think you can use to your advantage at a later date. You’ve taken as much detail from the pant and shoe combo as possible and are ready to go Staller hunting. This process is both challenging and rewarding. Some people prefer to go back to their cubical immediately after their Staller reconnaissance and make a list of all of their details while the facts are still fresh in their mind. They can then be sure to have a hard list of facts to refer back to if they run into a difficult case and are afraid of misidentifying a Staller. So, now that you have your list of facts you simply go about your day trolling the halls making sure to check out everyone’s pants and shoes, covertly of course, as you go about your daily business. When you finally find your Staller you will undoubtedly have a moment of Zen as all of your efforts will have come full circle. Give yourself a pat on the back and relish the moment as there is nothing more rewarding than a good Staller hunt that ends in a proverbial “kill.” I would also recommend creating a positive ID spread sheet that you can enter the behavior you’ve identified in the bathroom along side the name of the Staller in order to make sure not to forget any of the valuable information you have painstakingly collected. And please, above all else, please enjoy your new found office
Now, back to the point of this entire mini-rant, the shoe/pant combo is a covert way of identifying one of your fellow employees when they are hidden by the stall walls, also known as a “Staller”. Some may ask, why would anyone want to covertly identify someone in one of the stalls? Well those people obviously don’t enjoy the finer things in life, one of which is being the only one in the office who knows Fred is a chronic grunter, or possibly that Earl leaves the sports page unfolded and out of order in the middle of the stall when he’s finished. You never know when you may be able to leverage such information for your own personal gain. However, whenever attempting this form of identification, it is crucial to notice both the color and style of both the pants and the shoes of your Staller. Also, try to remember as much detail as possible as this will only make your job easier later on in the process. For example, is there a mustard stain on one the toe and is that stain also in the shape of Illinois. A detail such as this will almost absolutely guarantee positive identification. Although, failure to notice the pant and shoe combination and or any other relevant clues to the identification of the wearer could result in false identification and only cause a murky picture of the covert bathroom lives of your fellow co-workers. This of course is self defeating and all of your efforts will have been rendered useless. Another detail that is usually missed by the casual or novice shoe/pant observer is the size of the foot itself. This can be a crucial clue if you run into a common shoe style and pant color. An unusually large or small foot can be the difference in you determining if that was Big John who uses an unusual amount of toilet paper, or if it was Tiny Joe. So, you’ve identified an unusual Staller with some sort of behavior you think you can use to your advantage at a later date. You’ve taken as much detail from the pant and shoe combo as possible and are ready to go Staller hunting. This process is both challenging and rewarding. Some people prefer to go back to their cubical immediately after their Staller reconnaissance and make a list of all of their details while the facts are still fresh in their mind. They can then be sure to have a hard list of facts to refer back to if they run into a difficult case and are afraid of misidentifying a Staller. So, now that you have your list of facts you simply go about your day trolling the halls making sure to check out everyone’s pants and shoes, covertly of course, as you go about your daily business. When you finally find your Staller you will undoubtedly have a moment of Zen as all of your efforts will have come full circle. Give yourself a pat on the back and relish the moment as there is nothing more rewarding than a good Staller hunt that ends in a proverbial “kill.” I would also recommend creating a positive ID spread sheet that you can enter the behavior you’ve identified in the bathroom along side the name of the Staller in order to make sure not to forget any of the valuable information you have painstakingly collected. And please, above all else, please enjoy your new found office
Random Rant #2-A
2. Today I decide to take on a situation I have observed and thought about many times before in my life but have never put down in writing. I have only recently realized that this experience in which I have been witness to countless times in my life must be told for those who are unable to experience it for themselves. In a way, I’m doing society a favor and educating the other half of the population who do not have the privilege of using the men’s public bathroom. Then again, even in writing this I realize that there may be yet another world that I have yet to experience first hand waiting in the women’s public bathroom. I can only hope there is another well intentioned yet misguided individual out there like myself willing to take the time to document and share that side of the story with me some day. Because the men’s bathroom is ripe with rituals, contraptions, and just plain odd things, I will have to subtitle them below.
1. Strange Silence: The strange silence is part of the man bathroom code that is always present but rarely ever spoken of, I know define irony. I’m not even sure how I am aware of it or how it was passed down to me, if at all. It is an unspoken rule, much like that of leaving an empty urinal between men rule. But, this rule is not quite as apparent to the naked eye even though it is always present. I must clarify that this is only odd whenever in a common public bathroom where you would see other men frequently that you know, i.e. the office bathroom. This rule does still apply but more for the reason that you are in a random public restroom where you will run into common strangers that you will likely never see again. That being said, the strange silence is simply as the name implies. Say you run into someone in the bathroom that you know and have conversation with on a daily basis in the office, common sense would say that you should address said person and even possibly continue an unfinished conversation from a previous one. That line of thinking does not apply when in the men’s restroom. Silence is golden in the men’s bathroom. If you don’t have a reason to talk, you don’t! Get in, get your business done, get out. This rule is followed in order to minimize any embarrassment that comes from the very obvious and sole purpose of your very presence in the bathroom, relieving your waste materials. Now this may be a bit of new information for our female counterparts as there is a very prominent urban legend that all men relish in their ability to make noises via their gastric pathway. While this thinking does hold true at most mantertainment events, the men’s bathroom is not a place to show off your flatulent dexterity. If and when the audible inevitability occurs, it is not met with high fives and grunts of exuberance. Instead, it must be completely ignored as if no one heard it, thus preserving the silence. Always, the strange silence must remain intact. Although, if two people who know each other do happen to make eye contact and are therefore forced to exchange pleasantries, conversation is limited to a brief greeting, and one of 3 topics: the weather, a local sporting event, or how much the boss’s last decision was stupid. Warning: Always check the shoe/pant combo beneath the stalls, refer to below rant, before using topic number three as this could backfire and be very detrimental to your career. So, in summation, to maintain the status quo in the men’s workplace bathroom you must always remember these three common rules; do not draw attention to yourself, ignore any noises or odors you may encounter as if they were not occurring, and if conversation is unavoidable, keep it light and to the point. Of course as with anything there are always exceptions to the rules or unforeseen outliers like the guy who doesn’t take his career very seriously or is new to the game and still in “frat party mode” and breaks all of the above listed rules of engagement. If you should encounter such and individual, the best plan of action is to leave the bathroom until he has gone on to another region of the office and then proceed with business as usual. I’m tired of talking about this one, on to the next.
1. Strange Silence: The strange silence is part of the man bathroom code that is always present but rarely ever spoken of, I know define irony. I’m not even sure how I am aware of it or how it was passed down to me, if at all. It is an unspoken rule, much like that of leaving an empty urinal between men rule. But, this rule is not quite as apparent to the naked eye even though it is always present. I must clarify that this is only odd whenever in a common public bathroom where you would see other men frequently that you know, i.e. the office bathroom. This rule does still apply but more for the reason that you are in a random public restroom where you will run into common strangers that you will likely never see again. That being said, the strange silence is simply as the name implies. Say you run into someone in the bathroom that you know and have conversation with on a daily basis in the office, common sense would say that you should address said person and even possibly continue an unfinished conversation from a previous one. That line of thinking does not apply when in the men’s restroom. Silence is golden in the men’s bathroom. If you don’t have a reason to talk, you don’t! Get in, get your business done, get out. This rule is followed in order to minimize any embarrassment that comes from the very obvious and sole purpose of your very presence in the bathroom, relieving your waste materials. Now this may be a bit of new information for our female counterparts as there is a very prominent urban legend that all men relish in their ability to make noises via their gastric pathway. While this thinking does hold true at most mantertainment events, the men’s bathroom is not a place to show off your flatulent dexterity. If and when the audible inevitability occurs, it is not met with high fives and grunts of exuberance. Instead, it must be completely ignored as if no one heard it, thus preserving the silence. Always, the strange silence must remain intact. Although, if two people who know each other do happen to make eye contact and are therefore forced to exchange pleasantries, conversation is limited to a brief greeting, and one of 3 topics: the weather, a local sporting event, or how much the boss’s last decision was stupid. Warning: Always check the shoe/pant combo beneath the stalls, refer to below rant, before using topic number three as this could backfire and be very detrimental to your career. So, in summation, to maintain the status quo in the men’s workplace bathroom you must always remember these three common rules; do not draw attention to yourself, ignore any noises or odors you may encounter as if they were not occurring, and if conversation is unavoidable, keep it light and to the point. Of course as with anything there are always exceptions to the rules or unforeseen outliers like the guy who doesn’t take his career very seriously or is new to the game and still in “frat party mode” and breaks all of the above listed rules of engagement. If you should encounter such and individual, the best plan of action is to leave the bathroom until he has gone on to another region of the office and then proceed with business as usual. I’m tired of talking about this one, on to the next.
Random Rant #1
1. So, I’m watching the food network and Emeril is on cooking some sort of pasta dish, he’s grunting and making noises while throwing in his catch phrases like “oh yeah babe.” He begins to add some shaved garlic, as he calls it, to this dish and the live audience, in which he is filming this show in front of, begins to applaud and whistle as if a woman in a bikini has just stepped into their view. I find this odd as I can’t imagine any time where I would feel the need to cheer in such a fashion at just about any event, save a kissing of the bride at a wedding or maybe a last second winning shot at a Vandy game, but never-the-less the audience does cheer. Then I notice something equally if not more odd. Emeril reaches for a bowl of chopped parsley and begins to add it to his pasta concoction only seconds after adding the garlic and the audience sits un-phased. Now I am completely confused as to what makes an ingredient “cheer worthy.” Why does the addition of the garlic receive such an exuberant applause while the parsley is met with respectful observation? Maybe the audience isn’t applauding at all, maybe it’s a well recorded applause track and there is a man in a booth on set somewhere deciding which ingredients are worthy of his recorded applause and which are not. But, the applause seems genuine enough as the cameras show shots of the amazed audience who seem as if they’re watching the most exciting show they’ve ever seen. The emotion seems forced and makes me uncomfortable for them. I understand this is television and they have to show us, the audience at home, how amazing the food is so we’ll be interested enough not to change the channel and watch something else that will capture our attention for a few moments until we get bored again and search through the 100 other channels all vying for our approval. So I guess I can’t judge them too harshly. I think I’m done here.
Preface
Why am I writing a blog? The entire reason that I decided to type out my thoughts to begin with was to prove myself right. I think about some pretty random things. This, you may say, is not unusual and everyone thinks about strange things from time to time. While this is more than likely true, I feel that it is necessary for my own benefit to put down some of these thoughts that I bat around in my brain at the most random of times. Most of the time I am amazed with myself at how I have ended up at this place in my mind thinking about this particular odd thing that has nothing at all to do with anything at this point in time in my day, year, life. I'm not at all convinced these thoughts are at all reader worthy so I will make a short disclaimer. If you choose to proceed in reading the inner most thoughts that I not only do not share with anyone but rarely remember to share with myself, you may be one of a few things. 1. Bored and wish you would have never wasted your time visiting this page. 2. Think less of the author but feel better about yourself for not being him. 3. Pull your hair out from reading the error riddled text before you and curse the American public school system. Then again, you may just find a new venue to pass some of your leisure time and go about your day. That being said, I humbly submit these works for your approval, or not. Like I have stated above, I'm really only doing it to prove myself right. Enjoy.
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