Random Rant #2-B

Shoe/Pant combo: I will tackle this issue next as it was aforementioned in the previous mini-rant above and have had considerable interest from those who I have deemed worthy of proofreading my rants when they are still in their construction phase. There are instances in the men’s bathroom when you will enter a bathroom “play” already in progress. There are already other co-workers playing out their roles in this odd social gathering and of course you will be expected to jump right in and play your part, by following the rules of men’s bathroom etiquette of course. So, pretend you’ve just entered one of these bathroom balls already in progress, and there are some of your fellow acting cohorts in the stalls. Now even the ladies who haven’t been fortunate enough to participate in one of these events understands how the bathroom partitions work and I can therefore forgo any detailed description of their form or function. So, as everyone knows, the proper way to identify whether or not a stall is occupied is to casually peer below the threshold of the partition and either observe or not observe an occupant’s feet. Side Rant: There’s no easy way to put this people! Grabbing the handle of the door and trying to force it open thinking that it may be stuck is not only very inconsiderate and against the bathroom code, but it is also disturbing to the occupant and can cause possible lower gastro-intestinal discomfort due to a pre-mature retraction of one’s fecal discharge. That being said, please just check before you try to barge in, it is easier on everyone and is the only sure fire way to avoid the dreaded walk in situation when one of those occupied junky stall door locks, doesn’t latch properly and the door does happen to open on an unsuspecting victim. All of us have heard horror stories about “that guy” and trust me no one wants to be an actual participant in any of those water cooler amusement stories.
Now, back to the point of this entire mini-rant, the shoe/pant combo is a covert way of identifying one of your fellow employees when they are hidden by the stall walls, also known as a “Staller”. Some may ask, why would anyone want to covertly identify someone in one of the stalls? Well those people obviously don’t enjoy the finer things in life, one of which is being the only one in the office who knows Fred is a chronic grunter, or possibly that Earl leaves the sports page unfolded and out of order in the middle of the stall when he’s finished. You never know when you may be able to leverage such information for your own personal gain. However, whenever attempting this form of identification, it is crucial to notice both the color and style of both the pants and the shoes of your Staller. Also, try to remember as much detail as possible as this will only make your job easier later on in the process. For example, is there a mustard stain on one the toe and is that stain also in the shape of Illinois. A detail such as this will almost absolutely guarantee positive identification. Although, failure to notice the pant and shoe combination and or any other relevant clues to the identification of the wearer could result in false identification and only cause a murky picture of the covert bathroom lives of your fellow co-workers. This of course is self defeating and all of your efforts will have been rendered useless. Another detail that is usually missed by the casual or novice shoe/pant observer is the size of the foot itself. This can be a crucial clue if you run into a common shoe style and pant color. An unusually large or small foot can be the difference in you determining if that was Big John who uses an unusual amount of toilet paper, or if it was Tiny Joe. So, you’ve identified an unusual Staller with some sort of behavior you think you can use to your advantage at a later date. You’ve taken as much detail from the pant and shoe combo as possible and are ready to go Staller hunting. This process is both challenging and rewarding. Some people prefer to go back to their cubical immediately after their Staller reconnaissance and make a list of all of their details while the facts are still fresh in their mind. They can then be sure to have a hard list of facts to refer back to if they run into a difficult case and are afraid of misidentifying a Staller. So, now that you have your list of facts you simply go about your day trolling the halls making sure to check out everyone’s pants and shoes, covertly of course, as you go about your daily business. When you finally find your Staller you will undoubtedly have a moment of Zen as all of your efforts will have come full circle. Give yourself a pat on the back and relish the moment as there is nothing more rewarding than a good Staller hunt that ends in a proverbial “kill.” I would also recommend creating a positive ID spread sheet that you can enter the behavior you’ve identified in the bathroom along side the name of the Staller in order to make sure not to forget any of the valuable information you have painstakingly collected. And please, above all else, please enjoy your new found office