Random Rant #2-A

2. Today I decide to take on a situation I have observed and thought about many times before in my life but have never put down in writing. I have only recently realized that this experience in which I have been witness to countless times in my life must be told for those who are unable to experience it for themselves. In a way, I’m doing society a favor and educating the other half of the population who do not have the privilege of using the men’s public bathroom. Then again, even in writing this I realize that there may be yet another world that I have yet to experience first hand waiting in the women’s public bathroom. I can only hope there is another well intentioned yet misguided individual out there like myself willing to take the time to document and share that side of the story with me some day. Because the men’s bathroom is ripe with rituals, contraptions, and just plain odd things, I will have to subtitle them below.
1. Strange Silence: The strange silence is part of the man bathroom code that is always present but rarely ever spoken of, I know define irony. I’m not even sure how I am aware of it or how it was passed down to me, if at all. It is an unspoken rule, much like that of leaving an empty urinal between men rule. But, this rule is not quite as apparent to the naked eye even though it is always present. I must clarify that this is only odd whenever in a common public bathroom where you would see other men frequently that you know, i.e. the office bathroom. This rule does still apply but more for the reason that you are in a random public restroom where you will run into common strangers that you will likely never see again. That being said, the strange silence is simply as the name implies. Say you run into someone in the bathroom that you know and have conversation with on a daily basis in the office, common sense would say that you should address said person and even possibly continue an unfinished conversation from a previous one. That line of thinking does not apply when in the men’s restroom. Silence is golden in the men’s bathroom. If you don’t have a reason to talk, you don’t! Get in, get your business done, get out. This rule is followed in order to minimize any embarrassment that comes from the very obvious and sole purpose of your very presence in the bathroom, relieving your waste materials. Now this may be a bit of new information for our female counterparts as there is a very prominent urban legend that all men relish in their ability to make noises via their gastric pathway. While this thinking does hold true at most mantertainment events, the men’s bathroom is not a place to show off your flatulent dexterity. If and when the audible inevitability occurs, it is not met with high fives and grunts of exuberance. Instead, it must be completely ignored as if no one heard it, thus preserving the silence. Always, the strange silence must remain intact. Although, if two people who know each other do happen to make eye contact and are therefore forced to exchange pleasantries, conversation is limited to a brief greeting, and one of 3 topics: the weather, a local sporting event, or how much the boss’s last decision was stupid. Warning: Always check the shoe/pant combo beneath the stalls, refer to below rant, before using topic number three as this could backfire and be very detrimental to your career. So, in summation, to maintain the status quo in the men’s workplace bathroom you must always remember these three common rules; do not draw attention to yourself, ignore any noises or odors you may encounter as if they were not occurring, and if conversation is unavoidable, keep it light and to the point. Of course as with anything there are always exceptions to the rules or unforeseen outliers like the guy who doesn’t take his career very seriously or is new to the game and still in “frat party mode” and breaks all of the above listed rules of engagement. If you should encounter such and individual, the best plan of action is to leave the bathroom until he has gone on to another region of the office and then proceed with business as usual. I’m tired of talking about this one, on to the next.